God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
