i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
