final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.