she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT