I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
