Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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