Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
