JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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