my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
