I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
