Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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