Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
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You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
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He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize