I think I am morally bankrupt
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
