Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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