Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
