You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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