Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
