living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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