dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
