She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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