So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
