Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
