Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
