I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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