If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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