this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
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She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
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No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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