I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
