so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
