Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
