I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
