I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
