I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
