Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Don't make out with my wife yet
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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