I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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