You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
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