I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
