we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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