i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
