Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
