if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
