i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
