Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
