The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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