My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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