I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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