you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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