i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
