i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
