every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
