omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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