have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
