i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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