omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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