I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
