All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Randomize
