FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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