I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
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In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
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I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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