I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
