I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
